The following is adapted from Habit That!
We have a reason for doing everything we do, but have you ever thought about why you brush your teeth? Is it because they feel gross if you don’t? Is it because you’re afraid of tooth decay? Is it because you like having a nice set of pearly whites when you smile?
Whatever the reason, that’s your real why for brushing your teeth. It’s what keeps you going even on those nights when you’re feeling so drained or lazy that you want to skip brushing entirely and head straight to bed.
For every good habit you want to build, you need to find your real why. The real whyitself can be just about anything. Maybe you want your butt to look good in your favorite pair of jeans. Maybe you want to walk around the block without feeling winded, or maybe you want enough energy to keep up with your kids every day. Whatever the case, your real why reminds you of the big picture and propels you forward when motivation fails.
I’ve found that a person’s real why is rarely due to abstract medical reasons. Sure, most people understand, for instance, that healthy living dramatically reduces the risk of a heart attack. However, unless they’ve seen someone actually have a heart attack, the idea usually doesn’t resonate. It’s too far away from their real-world experience. Sadly, the reality often doesn’t strike until they find themselves in the ER with me.
Hitting Bottom
Real whys are usually connected to what I call “rough-bottom” moments. These are often accompanied by a trip to the ER with a series of super-scary symptoms like chest pains, blurry vision, and difficulty breathing. This is when abstraction becomes reality.
Some people need to hit those rough-bottom moments before they can get serious about taking care of themselves. For others, seeing it happen to a friend or a loved one is enough. Either way, once you’ve witnessed or experienced one of these rough-bottom moments, you’ll start to see the importance of turning your own life around.
One day, during a typical shift in the ER, a patient arrived who had suffered a heart attack and needed a heart catheterization and stents. I’m not sure why, but that day I was particularly fired up. I wanted to give him the most empowering cheerleading speech I could muster. As we were preparing him for his procedure, he and I had a talk.
“Smoking caused this,” I said. “But we were able to catch it in time, and I don’t think you’re going to have a lot of damage. I want you to tell yourself that this is the day you get your life back. You had your last cigarette on the way in here today, but no more.” Imagine this in a loud, excited voice with lots of hand gestures. I’m passionate at baseline—this was me in turbo mode!
Six months later, the man was back for an unrelated injury. I didn’t recognize him at first and was going through my standard questionnaire. When I asked if he had ever been a smoker, he looked at me and said, “Dr. Hope, don’t you remember me? I’m the guy you put the fear of God into after my heart attack.”
Now, while I would love to say I can remember every patient’s face that has come through my emergency room, when you’re caring for hundreds of new faces in that time, sometimes you need to do a double-take before a former patient registers with you. After taking a moment to let his face register, our past encounter came rushing back, and my eyes lit up.
“Yes, I remember you now!” I said. “How are things going?”
“I quit smoking that day,” he said. “I feel great. You helped change my life.”
I couldn’t help it. I broke into tears and gave him a big hug. However, I wasn’t about to let him give me all the credit. “You helped change your life,” I said. “You were the one open to the message. All I did was help give you what you needed.”
It was a great moment to follow up with someone, a moment I’m rarely afforded as an ER doctor.
This man’s story could have ended a lot differently. He could just as easily have been fatalistic after his heart attack. He could have said, “Well, I’m screwed,” and put another cigarette in his mouth. Instead, the rough bottom helped him realize he could choose his own destiny and embrace healthier habits in his life.
The thing about change is that you have to change in order to change. Some of my favorite quotes and memes around this are: “Don’t expect a change if you don’t make one” and “If you don’t change, nothing will change.” My patient had found himself in a moment where he was ready to change. And although the decision was made in a single moment, he still ran into barriers (i.e., cravings) as he stuck with this change. His why was stronger than his desire to smoke. He wanted something he didn’t have and made it his new habit.
Everyone’s Why Is Different
Luckily, not everyone needs a heart attack and a fired-up pre-surgery speech to motivate them. Everyone’s real why is a little different. Most are personal, expressing hopes, fears, and dreams far too specific for me to suggest to anyone else.
I knew one woman who’d heard that secondhand smoke could give her dog cancer. Forget the damage she was doing to herself—the idea that she could be hurting her pet became her real why for quitting.
I knew another woman who said, “That bitch Heather is skinnier than me! I will not live in a world where she is better than me in any way.” It certainly wasn’t the friendliest of whys, but if it got her going every day, then the result is the same.
Your real why might be the most empowering idea in the world. It might come as a result of your darkest moment. It might even be an external motivator, like a dog or a rival. Ultimately, it doesn’t matterwhat it is. You don’t need to impress anyone with your reason. You just need to have one.
For more advice on committing to healthy habits, you can find Habit That! on Amazon.
Dr. Jaime Hope is a dual board-certified physician working outside of Detroit, Michigan, in one of the busiest emergency departments in the country. In over twelve years on the job, she has learned that no matter what brought her patients to the ER, they all want the same thing: to live happier, healthier lives. Today, whether she’s helping patients, teaching future doctors, or engaging the local community, Dr. Hope is showing others how to create better habits and make healthy living fun, practical, and accessible.